Being Afraid

In life everyone encounters the emotion, fear. Those who say they haven’t encountered this emotion fail to express the truth. Fear follows us throughout our whole lives. As it follows, it evolves into different forms and complexities. Children have simple fears, like being afraid of the dark or of ghosts. Adults have more complex fears, like the fear of rejection or the fear of not being able to succeed. When I was young, I was afraid of loud noises. Now that I am older, I am able to recognize a more complex fear. Ultimately, I am afraid of living life alone. 

Maybe, the complexity of this fear stems from my mother. My mother has had several long term relationships. My mom got a divorce from my father after I was born. She then, remarried and had my brother. Then divorced again and started dating a different man for several years. After that didn’t work out, she dated a few different men and is currently alone without a husband. All of these past relationships have ultimately lead to heartbreak and her ending up alone. I am afraid that I will follow in my mother’s footsteps and end up alone in life.

I’ve always dreamed of having a life straight-out of a fairy tale movie. I often dream of meeting my prince charming and its love at first site. We get married and have a gorgeous wedding on a beach sprinkled with white roses. We would move into a beautiful house, have four kids, and live happily ever after for the rest of our lives. I am afraid that this fairy tale fantasy may never become a reality and have developed the fear ending up alone.

Fear has two meanings, Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. I choose to face my fear and rise by learning from this obstacle. I am learning to be a strong and independent woman. A women that doesn’t need to relay on a man in life to feel complete or survive. I am learning ways to be comfortable and content with being alone. I am learning that being alone is a healthy part of life. I am learning how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

FEAR

We all face fear

Let me make this clear

This emotion is unpleasant

It is omnipresent

I’m afraid of being alone

I’m afraid I won’t make it on my own

I need someone by my side

who will accompany me on this crazy ride

lets kick this into high gear

 and lets conquer our fear

I will learn to be strong

I will learn from all I did wrong

I will learn to stand on my own 

I will positively encounter the unknown

In this case

I will

Face

Everything

And

Rise

The Here and Now

I have recently discovered, I’m at a point in life were change is needed. I had been living with my mom and brother in an apartment that seemed as if it was shrinking. I had been slowly losing all privacy. Every time I would leave the house or arrive back home, I would receive the third degree from my mother. She would ask several questions in a row without even letting me answer the first one. I grew tired of the constant feeling of always being watched. I felt that it was time to start a new chapter in my life and was ready for the next phase. I decided to make the decision of moving out into the world on my own.

I started to look for local apartments in the surrounding area. I had started to fantasize exactly what the ideal apartment might consist of and include. It would be a one bedroom, in a newly built or renovated apartment complex, with a decent sized kitchen, stainless steel appliances, an island with granite countertops, dishwasher, onsite parking, laundry, a pool and other amenities. As I started my apartment search, I realized it would be much harder than I imaged to find my ideal apartment for an affordable price. I never had to pay rent before and didn’t expect apartment prices in this area to be that expensive. I felt defeated in my search to find my own place to live. In order to find a place, I began to realize, I had to give up on my dream of owning my ideal apartment. I started to search for places in my price range. After a few months of searching, I finally found the perfect place. 

Although this new apartment isn’t as fancy as I originally imagined, it does have a few of the amenities I was hoping for. I was able to find an affordable place in the vicinity of my school and work. I originally wanted the apartment to be in a big complex, but I was able to find a smaller complex with more privacy. I have my own private entrance and a long driveway with plenty of space for parking. The apartment itself is on the older side, but the inside is newly renovated. I have a large kitchen with new cabinets and countertops. I also have a recently renovated bathroom with a beautiful fixtures. Throughout the apartment there is gorgeous darkly stained hardwood floors. I’m slowly gathering the finishing touches to make this apartment my own. I’m extremely glad and ecstatic that I made the decision to take the plunge and move out into the real world. At this point in life, I feel like I’m truly a responsible adult and I’m very proud of myself. 

When I stop, I notice…

When I stop, I notice

the simplicity of life’s surroundings

When I stop, I notice

the trees’

winding,

intertwining,

and never ending

branches

When I stop, I notice

the changing autumn leaves

attached to those trees

ablaze with color

brilliant and bright

a festival of all fall's colors

When I stop, I notice

the crisp air

moving in wonderful ways

through branches

as they blow and sway

every which way

When I stop, I notice

the crunch

of fallen leaves

beneath my feet

When I stop, I notice

the aroma of

pumpkin and cinnamon spices

When I stop, I notice

foraging squirrels

and chipmunks hiding their nuts

When I stop, I notice

cozy autum days

and crisp fall nights

are here to stay

the most colorful

season of the year

An Unfortunate Blessing

I used to live in an old Victorian style home with my family. The house seemed extremely ancient because every single step you took it would creek. Let’s just say this house was a bit of a fixer upper. The inside was extremely outdated and required a lot restoration work. Despite the houses need for some updating, there was one aspect of the house that I enjoyed. My favorite part of the house was the front porch. I can remember spending summer nights siting on the porch, looking up at the stairs, and wondering about world. It was a wooden porch that wrapped around half the house. The porch was large enough to hold a decently sized table and four chairs. Even though the house was an older style home we were able to make it our own.

One day, my family and I left our house on an outing. Little did we know, while we were gone something devastating happened. After our outing, we pulled onto our street and arrived at a hectic scene. There were flashing lights and sirens blaring. Police, firetrucks and ambulances were blocking the way to our house. To our surprise, all those people were on the street because of our house had caught fire. The old electrical wires had sparked a fire inside one of the walls. The whole front portion of the house was burnt, including part of my precious porch. In addition to the fire affecting the porch, a wall to the living room and a portion of the above bedroom was destroyed. All of our belongings in those two rooms were also ruined. The day of the fire, we were in a state of shock. We never thought we could become victims of a fire. We felt deeply saddened and at a loss for words. We didn't know what direction to turn to. Lucky, know one got hurt or was home during the unfortunate mishap. Despite the devastating circumstances of the fire, the situation transformed into a blessing in disguise.

All of the damages the house received from the fire were far too expensive to be fixed. Instead, we decided to take the insurance money for the house. Before the fire, the house was already a gigantic money pit because of how old it was. It was far too expensive to be fixed up and in that condition it was impossible to sell. We were stuck in a difficult situation. After the fire occurred, we realized it was a blessing in disguise. The fire actually gave us an opportunity to move into a brand new condo. The condo has various amenities and is in the perfect location. I even have a balcony, so I can continue to gaze up at the stars. Even though the fire was an apparent misfortune, it eventually lead to good results.

I'd like to dedicate this poem to the book "The Alchemist" By Paulo Coelho

I am The Alchemist

There's a great power 

This power exists among us

Many people on this earth have acquired the ability 

to harness this power

Others are among the less fortunate 

These are the ones who fail to acknowledge or understand 

That this gift is possible

Some aren't aware that this mechanical energy exists

I have discovered this mighty force 

I have obtained the capacity to transform 

each passing state of affair into gold

It does not matter 

If these situations 

appear in the nature of good or evil

I am able to freeze time 

Take a step back

And use my compelling energy 

I am able to view each affair with positivity 

Beholding only the golden opportunities within

And that await in the future

Life's Experiences

I believe, there are moments and experiences in life that shape us for who we are today. These experiences may be positive or negative, but it’s the knowledge we take away from these experiences that is most important. By applying this knowledge and growing from these situations, it will help to guide a stronger person down an influential life path.  I am able to recall three influential life experiences that have provided me with insight regarding the path of life I want to partake in. These situations have given me different outlooks on life and provided me with insight on the path I want to encounter.

                                  

The first inspiring life experience involves my younger brother. My brother has essentially provided insight and inspired me to become a special education teacher. My brother was diagnosed with autism when he was a young infant. I can remember attending countless appointments for my bother. Whether it was doctor’s appointments, OT, PT, speech therapy, or home service visits, I never missed an appointment. Life was an emotional roller coaster for both my mother and I. Despite all of the despair and difficult times, my life has been positively impacted by my brother. My brother has given me an understanding of a life with autism. I want to positively help and impact the lives of children and families that may have similar disabilities. I also hope to bring awareness to younger generations about autism and other spectrum disorders. Awareness and knowledge is essential because many kids are judgmental towards others who appear or act different. They may resort to bullying because of a lack of understanding. I can give credit to my brother for helping me find a path in life dedicated to helping others.

5 years ago

 The next life experience involves a tragic incident. One snowy afternoon, my mom and I were driving down a crowded city road. There were a few snow flurries moving through the afternoon air. I was in the passenger seat and my mom was in the driver’s seat. We were spending the day together. We were driving along a familiar road that we frequently drove down. My mom was driving slowly because the roads were slick from the cold wet snow. We were approaching an intersection, the traffic light was green. On the side of the road, my mother and I saw an elderly women starting to cross. As my mom began to slow down to let the woman cross, the tan colored car in front of us sped up. The tan car stuck the woman and kept driving. The woman’s body hit the tan car’s windshield, rolled over the entire length of the car, and she landed on the ground in front of us. We began to scream in horror. The woman wasn’t moving. As my mother got out of the car, she told me to call 911 and to remain in the car. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed, my heart was racing and it was hard to breath. The paramedics and police showed up with their lights flashing and sirens blaring. It was an unbelievably chaotic scene. They carried the women to the ambulance on a stretcher, shut the doors, and drove away. Every time I drive down that road, I have flash backs of the poor women being struck and projected into the air by that careless driver. Witnessing that moment in time, has certainly impacted my life. This situation has showed me how precious and how fragile life truly is. One moment, you could be going about your day and the next your life could be taken from you in an instant. From this experience, I have learned to cherish life and live everyday like it’s the last. (And of course to look both ways before crossing the street.)

               The last life experience involves a decision I painfully regret. After I graduated from high school I had decided to attend Framingham State University. I was a little nervous to go, but mostly I was excited. I couldn't wait to move away from home and live on my own. I was living in the dorms and had two roommates, As I got settled into the college life, I started making new friends right away. I was loving the college life and experiencing it to the fullest. Ultimately, I started to become distracted and less focused on my studies, In addition, I encountered a situation that led to a life changing decision. I couldn't tell anyone my secret, not even my closest friends or family. Keeping this secret sent me in a downward spiral. I was headed down a dark path of destruction. My academic grades plummeted and I had to drop out of school. To make the situation even worse, my family basically disowned me. My mom kicked me out and I had to find a place to live. I moved in with a friend and eventually found a job. Essentially, I wasted two years of my life. I regret the decisions I've made in the past. I wish I had opened up and talked to someone about what I was going through. Maybe, I would of had the opportunity to overcome this obstacle and continue my education. I feel frustrated and inferior because if I stayed in school, I would have already graduated college and had a career. From, this life experience, I have taken my frustration and used it as motivation to keep pushing forward to achieving my goal of graduating. As for my other secret, I am still finding ways to deal with this personal situation. I will get to a positive place regarding my secret someday. I try to always take time to remember, the past is in the past and it should not interfere with the future. 

 Anger

Aggravation and frustration

Can be an overwhelming fixation

 

Heart racing

Back and forth pacing

Feeling this way, in certain situations

With little to no explanations

I take a breath and think

How I was pushed to the brink

I wish I could just run away

And put all these feelings at bay

I'd travel to a peaceful paradise to relax

Never looking back into the past

Making footprint tracks 

in the sand

Golden brown and tanned

Listening to the crashing waves

Sitting underneath the warmth of the sun’s rays

Loosing track of time and the days

Encountering calming meditations

To balance these frustrations 

Channeling these feelings

Into powerful healings